There's a lot of talk about the institution of marriage recently. Who should be allowed to, why it fails, who's to blame for...anything that goes wrong(God forbid you take accountability for you actions), how old should you be...etc. etc. etc.
A Newlywed's perspective:
a) Who should be allowed to?
Anyone who realizes that you can't build a marriage on love alone. Those who know that it takes commitment and work to make anything great, any relationship worth having. Anyone who knows themself well enough to know what this partner does/doesn't provide. Anyone who knows that "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise, it moves us along" Yes, this is my way of saying that it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight for the legal institution of marriage
b) Why does it fail?
Abuse, dead-end relationship, the two partners are in different stages of life or have vastly different expectations of marriage. One or both are immature, or expect it to solve any problems they have. These people make the rest of us look bad.
c) Who's to blame?
Yourself. Your partner. Your job. The government. Your parents.... but really, unless you have been abused, take accountability.
d) How old should you be?
Old enough to know everything in part a. For some, this means you can get married by my definition at 15. For others, it means you can't till you're 40.
I know that I've only been married for 2 months, and so I'm by no means an expert, but it's been pretty awesome 2 months. Yeah, we fight. But I still love him. and we work ours out without them turning into knock down/drag outs. I'm also blessed with my parents, who have been married for over 30 years. Not happily so for all 30 of them, I know they've had rough patches. But they're committed and in love, and have given me honest and real expectations of marriage.... I know anything I know about it from them.
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"c) Who's to blame?
ReplyDelete...really, unless you have been abused, take accountability."
What qualifies as abuse? If he doesn't come home at night to you or your child because he's out smoking and drinking with his boys? If he's watching porn in his office on the nights he does come home? If he's cheating on you emotionally or physically with multiple women? If he tells you that he's tired of your bringing up that time your house was broken into and you were raped; you should get over it already?
And at what point can the blame be all on him? When you tell him that you will forgive EVERYTHING and go to counseling and he says no? Is it his fault at that point?
I understand your perspective, babe, but sometimes it's just not your fault. Sometimes the ONLY thing you really did wrong was marry the person in the first place. I would like to see the divorce rate on that.
"What qualifies as abuse? If he doesn't come home at night to you or your child because he's out smoking and drinking with his boys?"
ReplyDeleteEmotional Abuse/Neglect.
"If he's watching porn in his office on the nights he does come home?"
Sexual Abuse, and again neglect.
" If he's cheating on you emotionally or physically with multiple women? "
Emotional Abuse(Esp. if he does it repeatedly and knows it hurts you)
"If he tells you that he's tired of your bringing up that time your house was broken into and you were raped; you should get over it already?"
Emotional Abuse.
You gave me all abuse. You should know of all people that based on our philanthropy I believe that abuse is not just getting the shit beat out of you.
And no, there are sometimes it isn't. But Americans as a whole would rather play victim and say things like "We grew apart, he never appreciated anything I did, etc" than to a) model the behavior first or b) acknowledge that they hold some blame.
I'm not an all or nothing girl--I know all the shades of grey, but I'll include those next time I guess.
I know this is a sensitive subject right now--it is for me too with diff. familial situations. As much as I love who I know from mine who it's happening to, I know she's partially responsible too.
and again, that's why I want to see numbers on who's dated for a year or more